Back in the United States

Well, it as has been three weeks since I traveled back to my country of birth, but I still feel as though I am in transition. My new house in New Jersey is very cute, and comfortable. I've been spending my days going to the gym, relaxing, chatting with my (Colombian) grandma and cousin, spending time with my parents, and contemplating my "life plans." I sent Katrina an email that I think explains just how I am feeling:

I really love spending time with my mom, grandma and Patricia, now more than ever, because I feel so much more comfortable speaking Spanish with them, and relating to their culture. I don't think I ever felt an urgency to integrate into Chilean culture because I knew that what I really wanted was to reclaim my own Colombian identity... but being in Chile provided the vessel for that in some ways. I also do really miss Chile. After leaving in December, I somehow got used to the idea that I would always be leaving and coming back. *sigh* In my last two months there, I had many self realizations, made personal progress, made good friends, and became more comfortable than ever. My departure felt abrupt in so many ways. I feel as though I have unfinished business in Santiago, and the memories scratch at my daily life in the States. Unfortunately, most of my life in Chile now feels irrelevant - like a long dream that isn't worth explaining. I also long for my "social position" as an extranjera (foreigner) in Santiago. I long for the latino onda (vibe), which I think is always warmer than the gringo onda. Luckily, there are tons of Latinos in NYC (though US Latinos are quite different from LA ones), and of course there are plenty of Latinas in my own house.

"So how was Chile?" people ask, expecting a short remark, as if I have just come back from vacation. I cringe when I say, "it was great" or "it was an incredible experience" or "amazing!" It isn't that these remarks aren't true, but they are superficial responses that certainly do not explain "how Chile was." "How was the last year of your life?" I want to respond. Now imagine that in the last year you faced some of your biggest challenges and triumphs; did things you would never do in the States; were exposed to magical people and places; had revelations; felt physically and emotionally horrible; felt happier than you've been in years; made a house, a neighborhood, a city, a country, and a continent your home; met people that changed your faith in humanity; learned to be with only yourself; hurt, loved, hated and opened your heart to strangers all in a context thousands of miles away from the things that make you who you are. And in 10 hours north on an airplane, all of those things, those people, those experiences are memories saved in the "study abroad" box.
As my dad says, traveling only puts up mirrors from which to view ones self. I know that I haven't seen myself 360 degrees around (do we ever?), but I have been quite affected by these new angles. I guess I can't expect everyone to see the new images, or know that they are there, unless I share how they came about.
I suppose that is what this blog was for - sharing the image.
So here's to that.

With love,
KT